


I love you still among these cold things

by Glump



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for Season 4, aka the return, or what I WANT to come after, this is what comes after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 04:38:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18803878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glump/pseuds/Glump
Summary: He said goodbye to her, over nine months ago.He was convinced he’d never get to see her again.But Chloe is one hell of a stubborn woman, and she promised that she’d never stop trying to bring him back.





	I love you still among these cold things

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this work contains spoilers for season 4 of Lucifer. If you haven't watched it yet, be warned. 
> 
> The title of this fanfiction is, once again, taken from a Pablo Neruda poem titled "Here I love you". I'm a sucker for Neruda, he just writes the darndest things. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Lucifer, 

it’s been two months without you now, things are crazy at work. I work with Dan again, these days. It’s good, it’s fine, we work well together. But it’s not like it was with me and you. Dan isn’t you and as many cases as we solve, it just isn’t the same. 

I used to hate your work ethic, your laissez-faire approach to anything and everything. I used to hate the fear you instilled in our suspects or the way you would recklessly put yourself in harm’s way. Nowadays I hate how quiet work has gotten. I’m a homicide detective, work shouldn’t be this mundane.  
But it is.

I got a taste for the excitement that came with having you in my life. I got a taste for your quips and your ruthlessness and your unapologetic sense of justice. 

Dan isn’t you and I miss the way we used to be. 

I miss us. 

Maze is angry, angrier, I should say. She can’t believe that you left her behind. I mean, she’s happy about being here, probably. But you didn’t even say goodbye and I think that deep down, she’s really hurt.  
Oh, and Charlie smiled since I last talked to you. I remember how excited I was when Trixie first smiled at me. Amenadiel and Linda couldn’t be prouder.  
I wish you could see it, too, his smile is magnetic. I think he gets that from his uncle. 

I love you. 

 

Linda recommended writing letters to him. At first, Chloe thought it was ridiculous, she couldn’t imagine how that could possibly help her but nowadays she looks forward to them. She feels closer to him in those moments. 

Later she will fold them up, stick them in an unmarked box under her bed. They’re for when he returns, she will tell herself. He will read them, as soon as he returns, so he will know what his friends have been up to. 

She’s sure he’s going to want to know all about their past months. He’s already missed so much but he’s going to be home soon, and then he’s going to read the letters and know that she never gave up on him, that she knew he’d be back. 

He will know all about Charlie and Ella and work and how she never stopped loving him, or praying for him, to him.  
Chloe asked Amenadiel once, if Lucifer could hear her if she prayed to him.  
Amenadiel admitted that he doesn’t know, he’s never been to hell before, he doesn’t really know how things work down there. So Chloe asked Maze and Maze couldn’t remember a single time when Lucifer had mentioned hearing prayers. 

Chloe prayed anyway. 

She prayed while writing, so maybe he wouldn’t have to read her letters at all; she prayed in the car or at work or wedged between shopping carts and customers at the grocery store. 

These days she was busy. The job took up half her day, the rest she dedicated to Trixie.  
The little bit that she had left she spent on Lucifer, on research and asking questions and seeking ways to get him out of hell. He had to come back, there had to be a way, a loophole she could find or a code or…  
Just anything would do at this point. 

She gets up from her slumped over position at the table, grabs the letter and gets up. She folds it while she walks upstairs and swiftly places it in the unmarked box.  
Chloe can’t help but linger for a second. The box she chose, one that used to contain a pair of her sensible brown shoes, as sort of an inside joke, beckons her to linger.  
She sifts through the letters, neatly marked with dates, but then decides better than to pick one up and read it. It will only make her sad.  
With a sigh, she pushes the box back under her bed and leaves the room. She can’t afford to get sucked into her sadness right now.  
Downstairs, Trixie awaits her with the chosen boardgame of the week, and Chloe blissfully gets to fill her brain with other things, gets to keep the sadness at bay that threatens to engulf her every time Lucifer crosses her mind. 

 

Lucifer, 

It’s been six months since you said goodbye.  
Charlie has grown so much, he’s got wild tufts of curly hair surrounding his head like his own little halo.  
He smiles and laughs and grabs my hair whenever he gets a chance. He doesn’t have wings yet, maybe he never will. Amenadiel and Linda are okay with that, though. To be honest, I think Linda is relieved.  
Having a flying toddler must be a nightmare. 

There’s no real reason to talk to you today. Nothing exciting has happened.  
But I felt lonely. I felt hopeless and numb and empty and I needed to talk to you, because you’re the only one I want to tell these things. You’re the only one who really understands. 

They all try and that’s very kind, but they have no idea what it feels like to be so completely lost.  
What we had was wonderful and chaotic and raw and I’ll never be able to express just how much it meant to me, means to me. And no one will ever understand how it feels to lose a connection like that. 

Maybe its egoistic to think that not even Dan understands, after Charlotte.  
But it’s different, was different for him.  
Maybe that’s an awful thing to say.  
Maybe he does understand. This state that I’m in, that I’ve been in for the past six months, does a very good job at isolating me, anyway.  
Maybe he does understand. 

I wish we could have had more time together. Endless amounts of time. 

Maybe one day we will get our forever. 

I love you. 

 

A violent shudder rings through her body, she’s close to tears and tries hard to contain herself. Trixie is next door; she can’t let Trixie see her cry – again.  
She takes a few slow breaths in and out to calm herself down. Folding the letter and walking up the stairs, she feels a stray drop fall from her eyes to her upper lip before she licks it away.  
It’s salty. 

The box under her bed has been joined by two other, bigger boxes. She’s had a lot to share.

 

Lucifer, 

It’s been eight months since our last day. 

I’ve been looking into every possibility, searching through every single book in your library and I’ve come up with nothing.  
I’m losing hope. And it feels like I’m giving up on you, which is the last thing that I want, but I just don’t know what else to do.  
I promised myself that I wouldn’t give up on you and here I am, making excuses.  
There has got to be a way to get you home. I need you here. 

Come home please, Lucifer. 

I love you. 

 

She’s miserable today.  
A headache is pulsing behind her eyes, the lieutenant has been bothering her with finishing up the press release of her latest case and Trixie had been in a mood this morning.  
And to top it all off, she was stuck in LA traffic.  
Usually she wouldn’t even take this route at this time, but she wanted to visit Lux before she headed home. Something told her that’s where she should go, and Chloe always trusts her gut. 

It’s almost an hour later when she passes by the bored looking bouncer with a flash of her badge and enters Lux’s impressive forum.  
She pushes past the thin evening crowd, past the main entrance, straight to the elevator.  
Inside she eagerly presses the button that will take her up to Lucifer’s penthouse. She’s not quite sure why she’s in such a hurry, maybe she just wants to go home and nap the headache away as quickly as possible, but she watches herself stab the “close door” button over and over until finally, the elevator smoothly carries her upwards. 

It looks different up there, sounds different, too.  
For one, it’s quiet. There’s no piano tinkling or singing or, god forbid, moaning.  
It looks empty.  
Its previous inhabitant had carried with him such a presence, it had filled out every room he occupied.  
The furniture is still there, but it is evident from just one look that the penthouse was missing its most important piece.  
Lucifer isn’t there. 

Chloe’s steps echo as she exits the elevator.  
She lingers around the grand piano for a while, but something pulls her into Lucifer’s impressive library.  
She had spent many evenings right there, looking for ways to spring him free of his prison. She had combed through every book that even so much as hinted at being useful.  
But she had come up with nothing, nothing at all. 

Her fingers move over the spines of books, she feels them drift past under her fingertips one by one.  
Each one of these books is probably worth more than all her belongings, she thinks.  
And then she stutters in her movements. 

All of Lucifer’s books seem to be ridiculously old and well kept and priceless.  
The one her finger rests on now isn’t any of those things. And it also makes absolutely no sense. 

It’s the bible.  
A new copy of the bible. 

Bent and littered with dog ears. 

Chloe takes it out of the shelf, inspects its front and back, but there doesn’t seem to be anything remarkable about the print or the origin or anything, really.  
It’s just a bible.  
A new and well-read bible.  
In a library full of first editions. 

She can’t contain her wonder when she flips it open and finds the book littered with notes and highlighted passages and religious drawings in a stranger’s writing.  
This, she does understand. She casts her look upwards and mouths “Thank you”, to whichever sibling had left it there. 

She decides to take the bible home with her, excited what she will discover in its guts. 

 

Lucifer, 

It’s been a little over nine months since we were ripped apart. 

I swung by Lux a while ago, my gut told me to go there and I was afraid I was just going to chase your ghost, but you know my gut, it’s always right. 

Lucifer I found it. 

I would tell you all about Charlie or Ella or Dan right about now, but I think it’s high time you saw for yourself. 

I love you. 

 

He said goodbye to her, over nine months ago.  
He was convinced he’d never get to see her again.  
But Chloe is one hell of a stubborn woman, and she promised that she’d never stop trying to bring him back. 

“Welcome home”, Chloe sobs through her tears when she sees him again.  
He’s dirty and his suit is sliced open in a few places. He smells like an ashtray, there’s fire in his eyes.  
It shouldn’t feel this perfect. 

But then he smiles, and tears run down his face and he hurries towards her and presses his forehead against hers and there is no other place she would rather be. 

“I love you. I love you, I love you.”, he whispers against her mouth whenever she lets him breathe between her kisses.  
“I love you.”, she says.

It shouldn’t feel this perfect. 

But it is.


End file.
